What do you do when you find the perfect match, you have the biggest whirl wind love affair and then it comes to a grinding holt?
It’s been 4 months and I’m still in raw pain. He was the only thing holding me up, so how do I stand now? I have a feeling I don’t…
I’m sitting on a bus about to take the 40-50 min ride back to the town I called home.
Over the last couple months I have paid a price for my genuine feel of freedom.
I’ve lost for now, my mum and possibly my sister. If already lost my father to his own selfish creed and incapable nature of not being able to take a leap of responsibility.
So for now I am an orphan, that is my price. At first I was scared and alone, but even though my family put him through hell, my boyfriend stuck by, he kept me sane and actually out of my own minds destructive thoughts. He will never know how much he saved me.
So right now I’m enjoying a lovely day, blue sky’s and I’m off work, taking this moment to appreciate that my life has actually started now. I’ll soon be starting a new job with far bigger prospects, where I’ll get more money that will allow me to save for a life with the guy I love so much. Who has let me get back to the creative person I am, painting, reading and writing.
Sometimes you have to wipe the canvas clean, to end up with a better picture
Here are a few picture I took in Amsterdam, back of the bathroom door….
I can see it ahead of me, can see the bright light of my future right there.
Why aren’t I grabbing it with two hands?
Scared, of the unknown, of failing, and of the real world.
How do I throw myself into life?
I’m just going to keeping throwing myself into weird life, which may lead me to staying away from real life, but what’s the point? Life goes all too fast, but maybe then I should be fight now so the rest of my life will be smooth sailing, but maybe there will always be rough sea’s ahead no matter what?
I feel fresh, I feel new and my head is clear.
Sometimes you just need to clear all the shit out and let your mind be a little selfish. Take one day and let your mind speak complete truth. Each time you come to a situation, take a second to think an honest opinion on it. Don’t say it out loud if it’s a little too honest. But being honest to your self is hard actually.
Being honest with myself has allowed me to make some changes. It’s not easy and I haven’t fully got it worked out, but this week my super power is honesty.
Have a try and maybe reply with how it made you feel? No pressure just an experiment ^_^
I think and act like everything is fine. I smile like I’m happy when deep down I’m not. Right at the centre of my soul there is an ugly scar that no one can see. It’s because of him.
He took me as his own.
He was supposed to protected me.
He was supposed to love me.
First I was like a play thing, like a doll you play house with.
Then I was the reminded of his true face.
Now I’m nothing.
He’s started anew and I have a replacement.
Not being wanted was one thing.
But not being even cared about is worse.
I’ve never hated someone so much.
You know that feeling when you’re at the airport, and you’ve gone through passport control and your waiting to find out what gate your flight will be at, you’re excited and happy, thinking about all the possibilities.
Well my life right now feels like that, except the board isn’t showing me the gate number, it’s telling me I am delayed. And it’s not even giving me the curtesy of telling me how long.
I’m getting board waiting and I’m loosing my excitement.
I wish life had a fast forward button for times like this.
It’s a problem of a life time when even when you think you have everything, you always want more.
Having that special person and thinking that someone else might be better, feels unthinkable and wrong.
Everyone has been taught for so long to reach for the stars and beyond, that when they reach the limit they don’t admire the stars, they reach further. That unfortunately might land you on an empty rock of a planet, hopelessly alone.
Be content. That should be your goal, completely happy, relaxed and standing still.
I’m watching a programme where the young girls father comes back after leaving her, and she is fighting to impress him. He should be the one fighting for her approval.
I guess everyone should make sure that they are fighting the right battles and that the right people are fighting for you.
Feeling sentimental
So I’ve decided at aged 20 I’m going to go to uni, as I can’t travel, I will throw my self back into the troubling pond of education.
From a very young age I have loved art and it seems that I’ve run away from pursuing it as it is very hard to make money from hence the phrase ‘starving artist’. Hopefully it won’t be all in vein.
So I guess I’ll be post pictures from my portfolio very soon. Who said dreaming was out of fashion 😉
Everyone has that moment, when your looking at your life in one short quick flash and you have a choice, stay in front of the bus and face the inevitable – or jump out the way and get your shit together.
My sister going off to uni is my bus. Now all I gotta do is choose.
But how do you do that when you have no idea what you are doing. I mean it, my life is like a journey typed into a faulty sat-nav, I’m driving off a cliff.
But what I’m learning is that no matter the journey it’s thoughts querks that makes you who you are.
So maybe this bus is just a new bump in the road to push me in the right direction.
I needed some motivation, but sticking to it will be the problem. Where is my super glue 😉
confusedgirl636 